


That Braying Unpleasant Laugh

by sandyk



Category: 30 Rock
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 10:48:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1092988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't need a television role, you know. I'm the lead in the Broadway adaptation of the Call Me Maybe video parody," Jenna said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Braying Unpleasant Laugh

**Author's Note:**

  * For [screamlet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamlet/gifts).



> not for profit, not mine. Thanks to [redacted] for beta.

"Well, what a surprise," Jenna said, with an unusual amount of disdain in her voice. Way more than her normal amount when she met Liz for lunch. 

"Yes, it is a surprise that we're both at the same Sbarro's after I called you and asked you to come because for some reason I still keep in touch with you," Liz said. 

"I asked you for one thing," Jenna said, sitting down. 

"You have never asked me for just one thing," Liz said. "I'm getting my stromboli, breadsticks and possibly a slice of pizza if they have that one with the five kinds of meats, do you think they have it? Let's be honest, I'd settle for two meats. Anyway, you can get food, too."

"Please," Jenna said. "Jenna and I are only eating seaweed defecated by otters in the Antartica this month. It's very slimming and I'm surprised you haven't already remarked on how wonderful my skin looks."

"Yeah, I definitely had time to do that," Liz muttered as she got her food. "Are there even otters in the South Pole?" 

Liz sat down with her very full tray and ate two pieces of three meat pizza while Jenna shuddered. Then Liz said, "So, why are you angry with me today?"

"Did you even talk to Dick Wolf? I thought you could get me on the revived Law and Order. I could be the new ADA, a beautiful blonde 35 year old --"

"Nope," Liz said. "Elizabeth Rohm is back."

"I can't believe you'd bring her up to me, Liz. You know about our feud."

"No, I don't. I don't remember you having anything against her except she's another blonde --"

"We were both dating Joel Groban, Josh Groban's older cousin's ex-husband. At the same time, Liz." She glared at someone over Liz's shoulder. Jenna calmed down sufficiently to say, "Or one of the cops, you know I'm good at playing cops --"

"Nope," Liz said. 

"How about a brilliant defense attorney that one of the cops has a torrid scandalous affair with complicating the case and it turns out, she's a werewolf which could be the backdoor pilot Sparky --"

"Nope and nope," Liz said. 

Jenna huffed. "Then can I be the mother of a victim who is also the killer? I could do the Melissa Leo role from that episode - you know they're not even writing new scripts this time," Jenna said. 

"Nope," Liz said. "And they are writing new scripts, Jenna, I'm totally sure." Liz was not sure though, that did sound like Kenneth. Had she ever seen the writers for the new Law and Order? Weren't they in the building? Were they? She ate her stromboli to stamp her doubt down in her tummy. 

"Isn't there a role on the Chicago shows? Doesn't he have a new one coming up?"

"He does," Liz said. "You know, I get that Chicago Fire and Chicago PD seemed like good ideas, but Chicago Parking Meters? I can't believe that's going to work. But anyway, it's all been cast already."

"I don't need a television role, you know. I'm the lead in the Broadway adaptation of the Call Me Maybe video parody," Jenna said. "And I was just cut out of an episode of Girls, but they had to pay me anyway."

"I can't believe that didn't work out," Liz said. 

"It turned out when Lena Dunham said the woman from TGS she meant Tracy in a dress." Jenna sniffed. "Whatever, she probably hadn't realized Tracy lost all that weight and thought she'd get someone who'd make her look skinny." 

"Yeah, okay, Jenna," Liz said. "Can we talk about me now?"

"If we must," Jenna said. 

"Guess who I ran into this weekend?" 

"No," Jenna said.

"Okay, fine," Liz said. "I'll tell you. Wesley Snipes."

"The ruggedly attractive actor of the Blade series who's being persecuted for his brave fight against the IRS?"

"No, Jenna, my so-called settling soulmate. Remember when I dumped him at Siri's wedding?"

"Yes, I knew you meant him. But for the rest of your story, I'm going to be picturing the far more attractive Wesley Snipes in your pasty Snipes's place." 

Liz shrugged. "I'll take it." She smiled even though she knew there was pepperoni bits in her teeth. She was married now, she could do anything she wanted. And it was Jenna. 

"So we were all out for ice cream, me, Cris, Terry and Janet. Because it's our Saturday tradition. Sleep in, watch cartoons, wake up the kids, watch cooking competitions, go for ice cream and then Cris chases the kids around the park until they're so tuckered out they go to bed at 6pm. Then it's sexy times in the ol' Liz Lemon household."

"You watch home improvement shows together," Jenna said.

"Exactly. So at the ice cream place, Janet is once again acting a little weird and refusing to hold my hand because --"

"Because of something you'd done to her, of course. She's a blonde girl, she was born knowing that being with women who are older and uglier is the best way to look even better. What did you do to her? Did you make her take up smoking before her pageant?"

"No, Jenna, I am not your mother and that is super disturbing," Liz said. 

"I'm still not hearing where Wesley Snipes comes into this," Jenna said. She was clearly speaking of the much more attractive Snipes man since her voice had that gross purring in it. 

"Well, I was talking to Janet about how I had not been out to get her when I suggested she might want to wear her overalls that morning --"

"Liar," Jenna hissed. "Why else would you even suggest a child wear overalls?"

"Because she's 10. She gets to wear comfortable clothes, to be a tomboy and run and play," Liz said.

"Does she even want to do those, those things you just said?"

"Not really," Liz said. "But I want her to, so I keep hoping. Society makes us girls crazy, I just want my daughter to have that chance to, to have heroes who aren't friends or younger sisters of Kim Kardashian, you know?"

"No," Jenna said. 

"Anyway, so I was explaining that to Janet and suddenly, there's Wesley. Saying 'I'd recognize that braying unpleasant laugh anywhere!'"

"You do have an ugly laugh," Jenna said. 

"Thanks. Anyway, so there he is. I, of course, introduce myself as Mrs. Liz Lemon so he knows I'm married and I'm a super feminist who kept my name and introduce him to my daughter Janet and think I win, I'm on top --"

"Someone bring you some ham, I know," Jenna said. "I'm more feminist than you, my husband took my name."

"How is that more feminist? He took both your names. It's not feminist, it's creepy. And I know, because I have been called the face of feminism by at least two bloggers for Maxim on their annual women we wouldn't even think about having sex with list," Liz said. "Anyway, you would think I won. But no, Wesley has a wife, too. With fantastic cheekbones. Her name is Millie Vanilly. Yes, I know. And he has triplets. Millie's nearly identical triplets from three previous relationships she had at the same time."

"Are any of his children blonde?"

"One of them. One boy with black hair, two girls and the other one is a red head. By nearly identical, I meant not very identical," Liz said. "At first I was a little bummed. I mean, Wesley Snipes is not an attractive man. And he's awful. And I hate him. And he's unattractive."

"Yes, he is," Jenna said, clearly imagining the other Wesley Snipes, possibly naked. 

"But then I had a thought, and I know this sounds kind of ridiculous. But we were soulmates, sort of. We weren't settling soulmates, we were meant to break apart and find our real true loves and become happy and we did. I did that."

"That makes sense," Jenna said. "My nail polish aromatherapist said that women past the age of menopause have a great understanding of the cuticles of fate that tie us together and fray apart to be yanked up."

"I am not past the age of menopause," Liz said. "Aren't you 58? You're the one past menopause." 

"You know that's not my real age," Jenna said. "Besides, thanks to the drugs and TanPenis Island surgery, I will never stop menstruating."

"I thought that Island burned down," Liz said. "Jack said --"

"I had the surgery before that," Jenna said. "Hey, how's your little show doing?"

"Pretty good, and you know what, Walter is a very inspiring writer to work with --"

"You know, I just had a thought. Why should we beautiful people even have to pay taxes? People should be paying me for looking at me, I am letting them have me on their ugly eyeballs." Jenna took out a tiny tape recorder. "I need to remember that, that's brilliant."

"Me, too," Liz said. She took out her notebook and wrote it down furtively. 

Jenna said, "What is that notebook called?"

"Nothing," Liz said. "Nothing."

"It says 'things for Jella to say.' Who is Jella?"

"Do you not even watch the show? Jella is Grizz's wife's white half-sister. Since you haven't watched the show, I will say, she is a very smart woman who has a great career and has achieved work-life balance."

"No, she isn't," Jenna said. "Is that role cast?"

"Yes, of course it is, she's been on since the pilot! The dog called her Paws-is Hilton in a not very topical or easy to understand joke that we actually cut. But anyway. Yes, we have someone to play her."

"How is she doing healthwise?"

"She's fine," Liz said, getting up. "Please don't do anything to her. She's a very sweet girl. Jenna, I beg you."

"Beg me what, Liz? I have no idea what you're implying," Jenna said. She also stood up. She pressed record on her tape recorder. "Note to self: find way to end Jella."

"Oh, blergh," Liz said. She started walking rapidly the other way and got out her phone. "Oh, hey, Dotcom, can you check on Jana-lynn? Maybe right now?"


End file.
